Expectation VERSUS REALITY
Oftentimes, I see individuals and couples who come to counseling due to feeling dissatisfaction within their own behavior or the behavior of others. I typically start with a conversation about expectations.
Human beings typically hold themselves and others to expectations, that tend to be high/unrealistic and likely not verbalized until we feel dissatisfied with the outcome of certain situations.
I talk to people about the dangers of expectations because of the black and white nature in which they exist. The reality of our existence is that it’s mostly various hues of grey and open to interpretation and differing perspectives. Most people who set expectations of themselves and others tend to feel a lot of DISAPPOINTMENT.
I try to get people to understand the merit of exchanging the word expectation with respectation.
Make sure that we are having respectful conversations with ourselves and those around us regarding wants/needs/desires so that we can meet each other at a place of compromise and kindness. We owe ourselves and others understanding and expectations tend to not have much wiggle room for anything except for judgment.
Try to take a step back and ensure that you are being reasonable, fair and respectful in your approach to things/aspirations you wish to accomplish. Provide a space of slack, grace and compassion for the unpredictability of life to intermingle with your plans.
Life will provide us with plenty of struggles, we do not need to compound it with disappointment because we are not leaving room for the fallibility of humans and the uniqueness at which we see the world.
COMMUNICATION EDUCATION
Oftentimes, I work with clients who want to communicate their wants, needs, and boundaries to others, but are unsure how to go about it or are not confident in how to approach communication in a healthy way.
I wanted to offer some education on the breakdown of communication and different types of communication styles so you can identify your communication behaviors and gain insight as to how to navigate communication in a healthy way.
Communication breaks down into three categories:
Body Language, 55% of how we communicate
Tone of Voice, 38% of our communication
Words, 7% of communication
Most clients are taken aback by the breakdown and that it is mostly our body language and tone, not our words, that account for the majority of our communication to others.
I ask clients to think about each category of communication and think about both healthy and unhealthy behaviors they engage in for the three categories. We can learn to hold ourselves accountable for how we communicate our feelings to others by remaining cognizant of our actions within the communication sphere.
Now, I would like to discuss the four styles of communication we engage in when conflict is present:
Passive Communication:
A style of interacting where a person avoids expressing their own needs, desires, or opinions, often prioritizing others’ preferences to avoid conflict.
Examples of Passive Communication:
Avoiding eye contact – looking down or away during conversation.
Slouched posture – appearing small, withdrawn, or insecure.
Quiet or soft voice – difficult to hear or hesitant tone.
Fidgeting – playing with hands, clothes, or objects nervously.
Nervous laughter or smiling when uncomfortable – trying to appease or mask discomfort.
Minimal gestures – limited hand or facial expression when speaking.
Crossed arms or legs – may signal defensiveness or closed-off energy.
Stepping back or physically shrinking – creating distance or yielding space in group settings.
Aggressive Communication:
A style of expressing needs, wants, or opinions in a forceful, hostile, or disrespectful way that often violates the rights of others.
Examples of Aggressive Communication:
Intense or prolonged eye contact – staring to intimidate or dominate.
Pointing fingers – used as a blaming or commanding gesture.
Tense or rigid posture – body held stiffly, often appearing confrontational.
Clenched fists or jaw – physical signs of anger or readiness to fight.
Invading personal space – standing too close to assert dominance.
Sharp, exaggerated gestures – chopping motions or finger jabs.
Raised voice or shouting – used to overpower or control.
Facial expressions of anger – scowling, glaring, or sneering.
Passive-Aggressive Communication:
A style where a person expresses negative feelings, resentment, or anger indirectly—often through sarcasm, procrastination, or subtle digs—rather than addressing issues openly.
Examples of Passive-Aggressive Communication:
Forced or fake smiles – smiling while clearly irritated or upset.
Eye-rolling – showing disdain or frustration without verbalizing it.
Crossed arms with a smirk or raised eyebrow – conveying sarcasm or hidden defiance.
Avoiding direct eye contact – paired with dismissive or sarcastic comments.
Sighing loudly – expressing annoyance without saying anything directly.
Deliberate slowness or dragging feet – subtle resistance through body movement.
Turning away or facing sideways when addressed – nonverbally dismissing someone.
Subtle mocking gestures – like mimicking someone behind their back or exaggerated nodding.
Assertive Communication:
A style of expressing thoughts, feelings, and needs openly, honestly, and respectfully while also valuing the rights of others.
Examples of Passive-Aggressive Communication:
Steady, comfortable eye contact – shows confidence and engagement without intimidation.
Upright, relaxed posture – conveys self-assurance and openness.
Calm, clear tone of voice – firm but respectful and controlled.
Purposeful hand gestures – used to emphasize points without being exaggerated.
Neutral or friendly facial expressions – shows sincerity and approachability.
Appropriate personal space – respecting boundaries while staying connected.
Open body stance – uncrossed arms, shoulders back, facing the listener directly.
Nodding when listening – signals attentiveness and respect for the speaker.
I encourage all of my clients to evaluate, without judgment, their communication behaviors and see if they can adjust behaviors to be more assertive. Engaging in assertive communication can increase our self-confidence when addressing concerns, feelings or thoughts with others.
Give it a try! What’s the best that could happen?
“sTINKING THINKING”
When working with clients, how they think is a topic of every session. Human beings have instinctual thinking systems that navigate us toward negativity for survival purposes. Clinicians often refer to them as ANTS (Automatic Negative Thinking Systems).
The problem is that we massively overuse negative thinking and it can lead to “stinking thinking” about ourselves and how we interact with the world. In fact, there are 10 unhelpful thinking styles that human beings engage in that can lead to a host of issues for how we treat ourselves. I refer to the unhelpful thinking styles as a spider web. Once we engage in one, we flick the metaphorical spider web, send vibrations, and wake up the whole system. What I mean is once we engage in one unhelpful thinking style, the others tend to get moving and follow in tandem because they are all interconnected (like webs).
I believe that knowledge is power and when we are aware and mindful of what these negative thinking styles are, we can identify when we are doing them and reframe our thoughts to be more realistic and rooted in trying to understand what we are feeling instead of thinking in those moments.
Here is a brief overview of the unhelpful thinking styles:
All or Nothing Thinking (Black and White Thinking): Leaving room for only two options and limiting our experience when the world is comprised of many shades of grey.
Mental Filter: Filtering out information and only focusing on certain aspects of a situation; often filtering out information that may not be in alignment with our opinion or viewpoints.
Jumping to Conclusions (Mind Reading): Making assumptions about what others are thinking with limited information and/or making assumptions to predict the future.
Emotional Reasoning: Making assumptions that because we are feeling a certain emotion that it must be true. This one can be tricky so I use an example to help folks understand better.
Let’s say I tripped and fell and felt embarrassed. Instead of just saying ‘that was embarrassing’, emotional reasoning will tack on ‘I am embarrassed so I must be an idiot’.
Labeling: Calling ourselves names mostly in light of when we make mistakes.
Overgeneralizing: This happens when we take one instance of a situation and making the assumption that this is how it will be every time. In essence, it is when we ascribe a situation to be a pattern when we don’t have enough data to know if it will actually become a pattern.
Catastrophizing/Minimizing: These are paradoxical ideas where in we either spin situations into tornadoes and make them much larger than they are or minimize situations or behaviors to make them seem less important than they are.
Disqualifying the Positive: Discarding positive things that happen and focusing on only the negative aspects of a situation. I like to give an example that many people can relate to.
Let’s say you have a performance review at work and in 7 out of the 8 categories you received glowing remarks, but in one area, your boss thought you could use improvement. If you are disqualifying the positive, you will discard the 7 accolades and hyperfocus on the area that needs improvement.
Should/Must: Assigning words of permanence that are critical or judgmental to make ourselves feel guilty and/or putting us in a headspace that we are somehow not good enough or have already failed before starting.
When my clients use ‘should’ language, I often ask ‘should according to whom’? Because then we have to admit that ourselves or others are placing unnecessary guilt around a situation.
Personalization: This can happen two ways. One being where we take responsibility for things that we do not need to be accountable for. The other is blaming other people for your own actions and refusing to take any responsibility for yourself.
After reading those, we can see how easy it is to use them together as they are all closely related. The goal isn’t to irradicate these unhelpful thinking styles because, remember, ANTS is a built-in system. What we can do, is catch when we are engaging in them and ask ourselves what we are feeling instead. Feelings are more accurate when it comes to understanding a situation than just bypassing emotion and going straight to thinking.
Remember from my last blog, slow down, be the tortoise. Unhelpful thinking is a byproduct and going too fast in situations.
mindful versus ‘mindfull’
Many of my clients come to therapy experiencing anxiety and racing thoughts. A question I commonly ask is if they feel like their brain operates in a way that feels:
Mindful- present, self-aware, slow and non-judgmental
OR
Mind full- autopilot, fast, distracted, difficulty with concentrating and judgmental
The common answer I get is…mind full.
People feel the need to constantly adhere to a TODO list, compare themselves to others, and move quickly from one thing to the next.
I tend to refer back to a common childhood fable: The Tortoise and The Hare. We all know that the Hare went fast, didn’t pace itself, was worried about ‘winning’ and ran out of gas (mind full of the finish line). The Tortoise took its’ time, paced itself, passed the Hare and was able to get to the finish line it set out for in a reasonable and attainable way (mindful of how to get to the finish line).
Mind full, is designed to have us always playing catch up and often times leading to judgment of not feeling like we are enough or are somehow less than if we need a break.
Human beings tend to not be realistic, compassionate or gracious with themselves when it comes to how we are interacting with ourselves on a daily basis.
Mindful ways of living ask us to slow down throughout our day in reasonable and realistic ways. I ask people to make tiny, tiny behavior changes each day that allow them to check in with themselves and meet themselves where they are at.
A common exercise I recommend is ‘Quartering our Days’. Most people who watch sports would not leave the game after the first quarter just because their team was down a few points. They stay for the hope, understanding and opportunity for their team to come back for the remaining quarters.
Break your day up into fourths and at the end of each quarter, check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
How am I feeling?
How was this quarter?
Is there anything I can do for myself to help make the next quarter feel better?
This allows us to slow down, be kind to our mind, and still engage in our daily tasks.
Give this a try, what’s the best that could happen?